Money, poor communication and infidelity. The Angry Therapist told me so.

'Whether you’re dating, partnered, or have been married for 20 years, these topics can be tough to talk about at any stage of any relationship. And yet research shows these are among the top 3 reasons couples split up, no matter how long they’ve been together.

Money. Financial differences can break up the strongest of partnerships. Whether it’s financial cheating (having a credit card your spouse doesn’t know about), disagreeing on separate or shared accounts, or having two wildly different money personalities; it’s serious. And it’s the #1 reason for divorce in America.

Poor communication. Most of us struggle with communication because we did not grow up being encouraged to talk about our feelings, what we were going through, or how someone made us feel. Then we turned into adults who are shit at expressing themselves, but expect other people to read our minds. And when they don’t, we become resentful, create tension and drift apart, until we’ve gone too far to come back.

Infidelity. Couples rarely recover from infidelity. And even if you decide to forgive and move on, it can be a virus that may go dormant for a while, but then resurfaces when conflict occurs, no matter how small. You're good until they forget your birthday or don’t do the dishes or stay out too late. It's loaded right behind everything else they do wrong.

What happens when these issues are left unchecked?

They grow and grow until they become so big we can’t solve them. We internalize them, we blame ourselves, we become paranoid or angry or depressed. We feel betrayed, done wrong by the world.

When it’s time for our next relationship, we bring all this trauma and baggage with us instead of trying to heal.

Don’t let that be you.

Now, do I have the answers on how not to fall victim to one of these 3 killers?

Nope.

No, really, I do not. I'm not a relationship guru.

Like you, I'm just here trying to keep my head above water, and make it through to the other side.

What I do know is that it's time to do the work. This is something that keeps ringing in my ear, as I turn the corner to 45.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

— 1 Corinthians 13:11

I'm on marriage #2. I had royally fucked up marriage #1, from day one. It was full of struggle, pain, tears and lies, and that's just part of the things that I was responsible for. It lasted for 14 years though. Some very elastic 14 years. It felt like war. I was a freaking kid, man.

It hits different now. I've got scars. I know what it means to lose one's shirt - and I like my shirts.

As I walked into #2, I had decided to make my wife my #1.

It takes a lot of work to stay out of my own way. Some days, I'm an immovable rock, but miraculously, I get to live another day. I strongly believe this is a combination of my Momma's prayers, my wife's faith in something greater than herself, and a glimpse of hope she gets every now and then, when she sees me working on the things that I can control, and for the most part, I struggle with them every.single.day. I'm not saying I don't offer value, or that I don't have attributes that are attractive. I can write a whole 'nother post about that. So back to the three killers and how I'm (learning to) deal with them:

Finances.. by being open with my partner about the good, the bad and the ugly of my finances. Any other way is building a house of cards.

Communication... by being a better listener - my biggest challenge by the way. Listening skills are the ability to actively understand information provided by the speaker, and display interest in the topic discussed. It can also include providing the speaker with feedback, such as asking pertinent questions so the speaker knows the message is being understood. Additionally, I must remember to offer grace and empathy for her, all while being mindful and intentional with my words, which is all easier said than done - my ego is HUGE and my inner child grew up in a cesspool of lawyers - I could argue for days. But, it does not serve me.

Infidelity... by being 100% invested with my partner in a long term relationship, reminding myself all the time that not only was she MY election, but I was also hers. She could've said no, and picked someone else. Unlike what we've been led to believe, this one could be the easiest one to avoid. It can also be the most dangerous one, so tread lightly... The key for me here is a dash of self-worth. Why a "dash" and not a "pinch," you may be asking yourself... Because there are two pinches in a dash!

The dictionary defines self-worth as “the sense of one's own value or worth as a person.” Self-worth is the opinion you have about yourself and the value you place on yourself. An example of self worth is your belief that you are a good person who deserves good things or your belief that you are a bad person who deserves bad things.

I don't have to prove to anyone else, that I can get my hands on eye candy. I know I can. I'm currently eating the sweetest one I could find. 100% organic and made with honey. She was so sweet, that I married her. If that's not enough, I remind myself to have respect for the covenant.

"Candy" is a choice, and so is the type of candy we eat - and when we eat it too. Want good quality candy? Earn it by putting in good quality work, but don't fall for just being busy earnin'...

Again, I'm not by any means someone qualified to offer relationship advice. I'm sharing my experience on how I'm learning to work with my partner, and avoid the most common relationship pitfalls. We can definitely talk more about it here. There's more than one way to do this, and I'm always open to suggestions.

This is one of the reasons why we created Mastermind Connect. I'm basically using tools I've learned from the men who make up the collective.

Our pillars are resources, reciprocity and respect. Can you see how they align with how I deal with the 3 killers?

We are here to support each other, and hold one another accountable in doing the work to turn from survival mode into thrive mode - or like the book title of our good friend Pervis Taylor III suggests, maybe we can achieve Surthrival Mode.

The book is best described as a how-to-guide for men to navigate through their emotions and trauma using the 4 A’s of Surthrival Mode (Acknowledgement, Acceptance, Articulation and Alchemy), and aims to bridge the gap in men between just surviving and getting by in life to ultimately thriving within their emotions, mental health and relationships with others and themselves.

Can a man surthrive around here?!

Yes, yes we can.

The Top 3 Relationship Killers No One Wants to Talk About 🤫